The Passion in The Ashes

Farewell

2006-05-01T15:38:00.000-07:00

Ah, school draws near to an end. I still don't know if I will graduate but one can only hope. There are only a few weeks left and I can't wait to be out. Things on my mind recently have been: Prom, Graduating/moving out next year, reading/writing. Prom is not this coming weekend but the weekend after. I should be getting a job soon so having some cash will be nice and I'll hopefully be able to afford rent next year. I got home today and checked my e-mail at writing.com and was very excited to find that I was given an anonymous gift of an upgraded membership which would have cost me about 5 dollars a month otherwise. The upgraded membership has some perks and I thought it was pretty cool of someone to actually pay for it for me. Anyways, I would like to let my faithful few readers know that this is the end for this blog. It was a good experience and provided a useful outlet at many times throughout the school year but now I find I grow weary of it. "The Passion in the Ashes" is a feeling that I was dying to get rid of. I do not now feel comfortable expressing it and in fact have need to do so less and less. It is not a good feeling and I am glad it is subsiding. This summer should be a good one, I look forward to reading and writing ALOT and enjoying a summer of fellowship. If anyone ever wants to do anything don't hesitate to call me. Until we meet again.

"I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact I mean not to." -Bilbo Baggins

Mercy

2006-04-24T21:04:00.000-07:00

Taking a moment to encourage anyone who stops by to check out Mike's website. The post today was interesting both because I have participated in the conversation with him about it before and because it is simply a good topic. Enjoy here.

TAKS?? More Like Pasta.

2006-04-22T21:05:00.000-07:00

So, much to the resentment of many a junior and many a senior I did not have to take TAKS tests this week. And yes, my sleep schedule is now ruined. But really with only a few weeks left in school I'm not thinking its gonna make much of a difference. Yesterday I went to java joy to meet for our Lord of the Rings/Bible study thing after school as is the Friday custom. We ended up talking till about 8:20 Friday night. Afterwards I was treated to pasta and a movie by none other than Lacey and Lacey accompanied by Jordan. The weekend is going smoothly, Jordan's birthday party was fun and I'm a little exhausted from sprinting around in the other team's base during capture the flag. I was supposed to take a final up at school this morning for a correspondence course but....they didn't have my test. I'm not sure what I should think of that, it isn't really a big deal unless they screw me out of graduating or something so I just went back home and to sleep. Speaking of which, sleep sounds dandy. Good night fair women and men, I bid you adieu.

"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."- J.R.R. Tolkien

Feelin Good

2006-04-16T19:29:00.000-07:00

Weekend Update! This weekend was tight, on the downside(and the upside outways the downside I think) I got a letter from A&M saying I'm on the waitlist. On the upside I'm going to prom with Lacey Wells! Plus, it was a three day weekend....so yeah, I'm feelin good. This week is TAKS testing so I get to sleep in a bunch and Wednesday is senior wellness day. Pretty much it's a blow off week. Score. Final note, if you didn't know "Freedom Incorporated" is now where I will post things I write(essays, stories, etc.). There is a link on this page. Peace, I'm out like a deaf kid in musical chairs.

"Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed." - Storm Jameson

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue...

2006-04-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

A favor for a friend:

-Lacey: Look in your mom's bedroom.-

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

- William Shakespeare

Sigh

2006-04-10T13:58:00.000-07:00

Today was really stressful...I mean for most people it probably wouldn't seem like it but for me it seemed stressful. I woke up really early to go to Bible study at Java Joy and made a terrible attempt to make a point about some stuff we had already covered and felt like I contributed nothing but confusion and useless banter to what Josh wanted to talk about. I proceeded to go to school and try and cram in a take home test and a biology II lab that was due seventh period. I got the lab from Brian which made it easier but I still barely had time to finish it because I had a test 5th and 6th and I see Brian in 4th period. So yeah, between school and being exhausted today was pretty wearing and I was in a worse mood than usual. On a more spiritual note I've been thinking a good bit about these lyrics from a song: "I have found the answer is to love you and be loved by you alone." What a reassuring thought it is to believe I have found the answer. That statement is monumental. It is isn't like a "Eurika!"(spelling?) but is instead more like a sigh of relief. "Are you for real? Wow...it's about time."

"What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do."-Bob Dylan

Pizzaz

2006-04-09T14:26:00.000-07:00

So....things have been pretty good. Actually, things have been pretty awesome. I got a 2000 camry for my birthday which is sweet, both the car and it being my birthday on Saturday. Earlier this week I ate sushi with Anthony and Justin which was....interesting. The sushi made war on my stomach all night so I was tired at school the next day. Speaking of Anthony...he was supposed to give me a ride to a Halo LAN in Houston last night....and I couldn't get ahold of him. So..yeah that was a bummer but I still can't get ahold of him so I don't know if something is wrong or what. On Friday night I went camping with Jordan, Josh, Daniel, Richard, and Matt. We chilled by the campfire and played/listened to the guitar and talked about the past, the present and what the future holds for us. We also pranked a bit. Fun stuff. Anyways, that was my weekend, I'm about to go play halo at zack's, hope everyone had fun at spring retreat. Peace out. O, and according to Johan I should take up songwriting as a career. The days are getting better.

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see. "- John Burroughs

Jibber Jabber

2006-03-28T13:41:00.000-08:00

Got a new picture put up. Also, please read "Path to The Sun". It's something I wrote yesterday and put on my writers portfolio HERE

For the sake of exposing this quote that won't fit in my Instant Messenger Info. I like this quote alot.

"There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations--these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of the kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously--no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinners--no mere tolerance, or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment. Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbour, he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ vere latitat, the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden." - C.S. Lewis

Food for Thought

2006-03-26T19:17:00.000-08:00

What has been on my mind lately? Obviously, from my last post, a lot of chaos and distress is what. But, more precisely there has been something that has been brushing the center of my thought but has never quite made it to the control center where I could break it down. Hurray for posting on Sundays because I finally realized what it is that has been recurring in my thought process for the past week, two weeks...I'm not really sure how long. What it is that has been coming up in my thought process has been a result in large part not of some outside force, only indirectly, but instead a result of other thoughts. What it is that has been recurring in the borders of my thought has been how important it is to take time to think things through, to meditate and reflect on things. More importantly, to meditate and reflect on God. Throughout recent history (and I use this cliche term to describe the past few weeks for myself rather than the time allotted to global history which is apparently recent, although compared to what I'm not sure) I have gone back and forth in vicious cycles of thinking thoughts in accordance with my previous post and with thoughts that beg for me to sort out such thoughts. In other words, I think things I don't like thinking and I know I don't like thinking them but I "don't want to think about it right now". Well, it's about time I settled that garbage. I'm gonna be doing some reading (scripturely and otherwise) on the topic of reflection and meditation as well as some meditation and reflection of my own. I actually intended to fast this week but settled for today instead when I saw some leftover food from Chili's that I plan on having for lunch tomorrow.

"Most true happiness comes from one's inner life, from the disposition of the mind and soul. Admittedly, a good inner life is difficult to achieve, especially in these trying times. It takes reflection and contemplation and self-discipline." - William L Shirer

The disposition of the soul, needless to say, relies heavily on its peace. Peace is one of the fruits of the Spirit. I've made my point.

Endeavor to Persevere

2006-03-21T21:12:00.000-08:00

I'm very tired right now. Inside my head at least. Sleep doesn't seem to help the problem. Someone recommend I write down what's been on my mind, it was not my intention to blog this but here is what's been on my mind.

Where do I begin? I don't now how things are going to work out. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter what happens, getting an education isn't everything in life. I keep telling myself that if I go off to college somewhere else and my friends are scattered to the four winds that it's ok. I keep screaming to myself that if I don't make it through college, if I don't make it anywhere, and end up a bum on the street that it's ok. God will weave my life how He sees fit, but I can't help but feel that pleasing God isn't what I want if it doesn't mean pleasing men. I'm trying very hard to allow God to have His will with me and keep some remnant of my own assertion in my life. It is very comforting to know that there are people that care about me, that will be there for me. But what if they aren't there when I need them, what if my own actions prevent anyone from being there at all? What if I drown myself in a pool of failures so deep that I not only lose the things which I deem as "secular goals" such as education and wealth but I also lose my friends? The thought is painful, I can only pray. It is hard to pray with confidence as the scripture tells me to; I will pray to the Lord for confidence in Him. Well, that is all in the future. The here and the now, I can't stop thinking about my relationships with people. No matter what kind of relationships, whether I be pursuing something with a girl for more than friendship or if I am just pursuing friendship, I find that I have put my relationships on an ever ascending summit that I strive to climb to. This is where God should be in my life, a place I know I can not wholly reach in this life yet passionately endeavor to reach. But this is not where God is in my life. I can only pray for strength to turn from my weakness and glorify God in His strength. I feel like weeping. I want it all to be over. "Endeavor to persevere." Easier said than done.

/vent

"We thought about it for a long time, 'Endeavor to peresevere.' And when we had thought about it long enough, we declared war on the Union. I didn't surrender, but they took my horse and made him surrender. They have him pulling a wagon up in Kansas I bet."
- Lone Watie the Indian from the movie Outlaw Josey Wales

Vivid Vigorous Vitality

2006-03-18T11:09:00.000-08:00

So...Spring Break is almost over. It is depressing in its own little way;however, it has been a good break and I'm glad of it. I'm also glad to get to see some of the people I didn't hang out with over the break, even though there is still opportunity for that. Some pretty awesome stuff has been going on. On Thursday the Aggies beat Syracuse and advanced in the NCAA basketball tournament(watching the aggie game today and hoping to pull of another win) and I went to watch "V for Vendetta". Quite honestly, it was the best movie I have seen in years. Now, in contrast, my sister and my mom thought it was really weird and didn't like it at all. So maybe I'm just weird, but that's nothing new. On Friday I went to go see "V for Vendetta" again and played ultimate frisbee which as usual was fun. My back has been bothering me again recently which sucks but thankfully it waited till after ultimate to give me problems. I haven't read as much of "The Four Loves" as I would have liked, between working on correspondence course work and playing games with friends I haven't had much free time to read but what I have read of it I found enjoyable. It was interesting to see, as I have said in a previous post, applicability in the things I read. An upside to reading frequently. "The Four Loves" is a book about love by C.S. Lewis. Lewis started the book by presenting the fact that for the Christian, as is stated in the Bible, love is the way which we should be living life. However, love should not be made a god in and of itself. This means simply to love God, not to worship love. To love people, but not to worship the loving of people. This means to hold God and people in a higher regard than the act of loving them. This by no means diminishes the role of love in our lives, it simply is a clarifier to the Christian to be aware of the feelings of affection, attraction, appreciation, and patriotism and their power to sometimes seem like "the voice of God" to us. Thoughts and feelings that are accompanied by these are often very powerful and often set up their own dominion within us. It is here that I find myself in the recent past, that here in this feeling of attraction or affection is where my life is meant to be going. This however is not necessarily God's will and for the modern day Christian a large struggle is often determining what exactly God's will is. For people struggling with determining God's will it is important to remember to realize that feelings of love may not be God's will but instead just that, feelings of love. As I have said this by no means diminishes the role of love in our lives. In the book of John Jesus says that "By this all men will know that you are my disciples if you have love for one another". Paul also says many things on love, it is the most perfect and pleasing way. So, love and love well because it is good to love. Simply keep in mind that love is not the peak of the summit, love is not the conclusion of all our hopes and dreams and longings. God is, and we love him.

random thoughts today not associated with love:

There is a feeling in music
but music is fickle and fleeting
why else would we listen to it so repeatedly and so often?

There is a beauty in nature
but the nature of this world is indirect
nature is best appreciated unintentionally-as Lewis says in "The Four Loves", if you go out with the intention of appreciating nature you will soon find it boring and stagnant. Even Wordsworth(who some of you in English IV may recall was a nature lover) died saying that the glory had passed away.

But when we die we will be united with God in Heaven and God is not fickle or fleeting and enjoying his presence is not indirect. I am confident that I will enjoy God with the intention of enjoying God, directly and with purpose and fulfilling enjoyment. The myth that Heaven will be boring is just that, a myth.

After death we will find that our prayers were not in vain. That the culmination of our hopes and dreams are here with God, and that our longings were indeed for something real, more real than the things we listened to or the things that we saw. More real than the things that we can touch and feel.

"love ceases to be a demon only when he ceases to be a god."-M. Denis de Rougemont

I will add that, at least in my own opinion(although I'm fairly confident this has Biblical backing), love is the most important of all virtues. I will also add that I would hope not to demean love for you in anyway by what I have said, it is still a very(here comes irony) lovely thing. You guys make me smile, peace out.

Writing

2006-03-15T16:46:00.000-08:00

Hey, just letting you guys know I made an account over at www.writing.com (Here is a direct link to my profile there.)which is a community of authors and readers that can post writings and other people can read them and review them. I will be posting anything non-bloggish there, such as essays and random fantasy fiction writings. I will post an update on here whenever I make a post on there if you feel like reading my writings. I will still continue to make my normal posts on this blog such as my book reviews, random thoughts, day to day life etc. I'm enjoying "The Four Loves" very much and will ramble about that soon, apologies for the lack of creative thought, my mind is mush unless I'm reading so now I just end up reviewing what I read on here. I swear I'll try to make it interesting in the future hehe. Peace out dudes and dudettes.

"Any man who reads too much and uses his brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking."
-Albert Einstein

.....bah humbug, I never thought much of Einstein anyway.

Spring Break!

2006-03-13T15:21:00.000-08:00

Woohoo! Spring Break!(also known as Lisa's birth week in our house haha). Sorry I haven't posted anything of interest lately but I've been feeling somewhat removed from deep thought and pretty lethargic in my brain. Things of interest recently: March 12th was Katherine Wilson's birthday, March 13th is Stephen Green's birthday, and March 14th is my sister's birthday...that's the first time I have ever known three people all line up like that so...we should throw a party or something hehe. Anyway, happy birthday to you three if you read this, which I doubt except for maybe Lisa.
I have thoroughly been enjoying my spring break and hope you guys have too, I'm gonna go read "The Four Loves" by C.S. Lewis and hopefully I will have something to post about it. Bye for now.

Comments

2006-03-08T14:14:00.000-08:00

I tried adding a new comment program but the problem still remains that If you leave a comment it doesn't show up. So...if you would like to comment you can just tell me.
E-mail: TheMightyClown@gmail.com
AIM: FlyingClown346

Warmth

2006-03-07T21:44:00.000-08:00

Here is the much anticipated Boxing video made by the Wesley family and the junior guys from GBC. Enjoy. On a more serious note and looking towards the future, I plan on making a post about what I believe(God, Christianity etc.) and why I believe it. There will probably be posts between here and there and it might take over the summer but hopefully that will be swell. Sweet dreams dudes and dudettes, peace out you cool cats.

That Hideous Strength

2006-02-28T15:36:00.000-08:00

Hello friends, the past week has been....interesting and to say the least a trial for me mentally and emotionally. At the beginning of last week I had one thing in mind, I have alluded to it in previous posts, and that was a girl. After my post on Kardia you can probably piece out what the selfish motive I was struggling with was. On Monday and on Tuesday I was consecutively in horrible moods and as I told several people, just wanted to go home and listen to metallica and sleep. I think at the moment it is safe to say that I am no longer struggling with this. I decided not to pursue a relationship with said girl for several reasons including the fact that I can't drive. It sounds like a small problem but it leads to the larger problem that I never could actually hang out with her alone since...yeah I need rides everywhere. So that's one of the problems, it wouldn't have occurred naturally, I would have had to force it. I didn't want to force it and that's that, maybe I'm too lazy or maybe I just decided it wasn't a good idea; it was most likely a little bit of both. Another reason I decided not to pursue a relationship was the fact that when I was intending to pursue a relationship all I could think about was how it was going to work out or, even worse, if it would work out at all. Now, this is perfectly natural to be anxious or worried about something of this sort but it was putting me in a bad mood. I can't wait till I'm old and don't have much of a future to worry about. I hate worrying about things and as you may have noticed try to avoid doing so if at all possible. I have come upon the realization that while this was all I was thinking about I was in a very selfish mindset. My thoughts looked liked this:I want this to happen. If it doesn't happen I'm gonna be frustrated. Why can't good things happen to me? Why can't I have a real meaningful relationship with someone? Will this need inside me to give someone love ever be satisfied? Will I die alone? What I failed to realize while traveling down this path of thoughts was the good things in life. Now, it should be made clear where I am mentally and spiritually. I have already come to the realization that there is a lot to be thankful for and am quite appreciative of life and existence. (If you struggle with this, I will again recommend reading "Gilead" along with Psalms and other parts of the Bible. I just have a bad tendency to read fiction.) However, I came upon this realization that existence was something amazing to be cherished without having delt with selfish ambition recently. After dealing with this train of thought and coming out in peace I have through experience followed the fact of the amazingness of existence to the next truth that to cherish existence requires a non-selfish mindset. A mindset trained on God and on other people. This seems like a basic concept but, when pressured by a selfish goal(particularly one as powerful as seeking the opposite halves of our souls known as women), it is "easier said than done." I hope that I will be able to cherish life and the people living it with me more now, it is truly amazing how many people there are, and how intricate and amazing each one of them is. To steal the title of one of C.S. Lewis' books and use it differently, I am at constant war with That Hideous Strength, that darkness inside composed of anything that would keep me from doing what I long to do the most. O how I long to know the depths of your soul, O stranger whom I call friend. O how I long to understand your ways, O fiend that I call foe.

"Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express your appreciation, sincerely and without expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, and you'll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you'll find that you have more of it."
-Ralph Marston

Row Your Boats

2006-02-19T13:34:00.000-08:00

This weekend was Kardia which is like a disciple now. At least, that is what I'm told, I've never been to a disciple now. This post is brief. Kardia means heart in Greek which is appropriate because alot of things in my heart and mind are sorting out. The topic of the weekend was prayer and other than discuss prayer alot, I bet you wouldn't guess, we prayed alot too. All in all I was forced to admit that underneath ever single one of my private prayers was a selfish motive. Not a jumble of selfish motives, just one really. I realized that Jesus is a beast, there's no one better to have with you when your rowing down the stream of life. I also realized that when you paddle even a hair off the course Jesus wants to paddle on, you will be very sore. It isn't the best idea to paddle towards a destination telling the captain of your little boat the whole way, " Comon, this way looks great, I want to go there so bad." The captain is the captain for several reasons, including the fact that he knows where he is going, and he is in control of the rutter. If you want to paddle even in the tiniest different direction be my guest, but my arms are sore. At the same time I should mention that it isn't wrong to want your life to go in a certain direction if you don't know which way the captain wants you to go. I certainly want very badly for things in my life to go in a certain direction right now but alas, it isn't courageous and valiant to paddle against the captain, it's stubborn and stupid. Prayer has many applications;however, for this analogy this is where prayer comes in. If you don't know which way the captain intends to go what better way to find out then ask? Beat on the window of the cabin, jump, holler and cry! If worst comes to worst you still aren't really sure which way to go, but I'm inclined to think the captain will give you a few pointers. And yes, the stream does often get wide and fast and really, not much like a stream at all.

"Then he(Jesus) said to them, ' Suppose one of you has a friend, and he goes to him at midnight and says, "Friend, lend me three loaves of bread, because a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have nothing to set before him." Then the one inside answers, " Don't bother me. The door is already locked, and my children are with me in bed. I can't get up and give you anything." I tell you, though he will not get up and give him the bread because he is his friend, yet because of the man's boldness he will get up and give him as much as he needs."
-Luke 11:5-8

I love you cool cats.

You said What?

2006-02-14T18:00:00.000-08:00

Wilfried gave me the great idea that I should comment on my own poems, it helps me understand them more and it helps other people understand them more. So, I'll break down the previous post by stanza. It should be noted that a collaboration of many books and many moods have been put into this poem and I will refer to several books which these thoughts come from, I don't claim to be original or creative, there's a good bit that is my own but many of the thoughts can find their basis in some reading.

Stanza 1. The silver tides throughout the poem always gave me a mental image of crashing waves in a black and white film, also death is represented in these silver tides and brilliant greys as can be seen in the next lines "weep for mercy, we die today". The whole poem is all in all a contemplation on death from basically the perspective of someone dying.

Stanza 2. This stanza is the narrator looking back on life, did he enjoy the moments he should have? In "Gilead" the main character who is writing letters puts it well as he opens the book, "I told you last night that I might be gone sometime, and you said, Where, and I said, To be with the Good Lord, and you said, Why, and I said, Because I'm old, and you said, I don't think you're old. And you put your hand in my hand and you said, You aren't very old, as if that settled it. I told you you might have a very different life from mine, and from the life you've had with me, and that would be a wonderful thing, there are many ways to live a good life. And you said, Mama already told me that. And then you said, Don't laugh! because you thought I was laughing at you. You reached up and put your fingers on my lips and gave me that look I never in my life saw on any other face besides your mother's. It's a kind of furious pride, very passionate and stern. I'm always a little surprised to find my eyebrows unsinged after I've suffered one of those looks. I will miss them. It seems ridiculous to suppose the dead miss anything. If you're a grown man when you read this--it is my intention for this letter that you will read it then--I'll have been gone a long time. I'll know most of what there is to know about being dead, but I'll probably keep it to myself. That seems to be the way of things." I love this book, it makes me wish I had the kind of love the writer does for his family and for life. If you haven't read it, again I highly encourage you to.The next part of the stanza comes from C.S. Lewis who I have been reading a lot of lately, in his book "Out of the Silent Planet" the main character Ransom is talking to someone from another planet who says to him of pleasure that ," A pleasure is full grown only when it is remembered. You are speaking Human, as if the pleasure were one thing and the memory another. It is all one thing....What you call remembering is the last part of the pleasure...When you and I met, the meeting was over very shortly, it was nothing. Now it is growing something as we remember it. But still we know very little about it. What it will be when I remember it as I lie down to die, what it makes in me all my days till then--that is the real meeting. The other is only the beginning of it. You say you have poets in your world. Do they not teach you this?" This stanza was nearly directly from Gilead by Marilynne Robinson and Out of the Silent Planet by C.S. Lewis. The message is simply that of the narrator looking back on life.

Stanza 3. This stanza is my own and is quite simple. The idea of general revelation, God revealing himself through life, creation etc. The love of His children reflected in smiles and laughter and his majesty reflected in His creation. This stanza is like the chorus if it were a song.

Stanza 4. This stanza goes on to talk of the caress, the caress is referred to here and later in the poem and is a reference to the wind blowing through your hair. "The caress of a God who cares..." The next part of the poem talks about how God is often portrayed as this object out in the universe or even as the universe itself and people might have difficulty feeling close to Him.

Stanza 5. Another reference to the caress, the wind blowing around the world touching, a reminder of God's presence.

Stanza 6. The poem comes back to the "storyline" of death approaching, The sorrow of the knowledge that daily we forsake God with our choices, when the time comes will we flee from Him or will we be able to embrace him unashamed?

Stanza 7. God's infinite love raining down on His people even though people are often thankful for nothing more than the things that make them unique, their own "self".

Stanza 8. The poem returns to death. The act is over.

Stanza 9. Simply put, there is more to life than our bodies and death is not the end.

Stanza 10. The chorus.

Stanza 11. The narrator has contemplated the caress of God and has come face to face with the loneliness of feeling far from him. The narrator feels the love of God as a comfort but is reminded that death is approaching and continues to reflect on his choices throughout life. Thoughts of more of God's traits including righteous anger and justice streamline there way through his mind. God is the "tranquility over the chaos reign(the earth)", essentially His wrath is not exacted upon the sinful earth without cause but remains patient; however, His wrath makes the chaos reign look like a spring rain. The fading of the firestorm brings to picture wrath(the firestorm) but also an optimistic reminder that God is not going to firestorm all of us(fading)and those He will He will do so with just cause. This stanza isn't exactly clear but the mental images I got from the words portrayed the message to me.

Stanza 12. The core of white fire is an attempt to describe the unexplainable, God's glory. It inspires man but man in his quest to find God struggles through life wandering through his thoughts like a man lost in a desert searching for water.

Stanza 13. This stanza is about fellowship with each other. We can find strength in friendship and unity and strive to push beyond the closeness that we may feel to God in nature and beyond the distance we may feel that separates us from Him into a more developed and fruitful relationship with each other and with God.

Stanza 14. This stanza continues the idea of fellowship but takes it further. It essentially states that through our love for one another we live life to the fullest, we "sprint the marathon" which in itself is an absurd idea. You can't sprint a marathon, its an endurance race much like life may often feel,this paradox is what gives this stanza its emphasis. The stanza continues to say, " in ancient tongue He spoke" this is in reference to John 13:35 in which Jesus says, "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, that you have love for one another." The reason it is in ancient tongue is because Jesus most likely spoke Hebrew. The last line says ,"we in sleep our dreams have sung." Basically its saying in life(sleep) we have "sung" our dreams. C.S. Lewis and other authors who I can't recall like to portray that the love we have for one another on earth is but a foretaste of the love we will have in spirit after death when God has perfected His creation and made a new Heaven and Earth. So, in life our actions of love proclaim what our dreams are, I got a mental picture of someone sleeping and sitting next to them and you know what they are dreaming because they are singing in their sleep, in a similar fashion it should be that our love for one another proclaims our dream of union with God where we may find the fullness of love.

Stanza 15. The poem ends with a more optimistic look at death, instead of weeping for mercy as the narrator goes to his creator for judgment, the ultimate reality is that he will be dancing in paradise. We are under the assumption that the narrator is a Christian and will be in Heaven.

Hope you liked the poem. Peace out dudes and dudettes.

Silver tides

2006-02-13T14:00:00.000-08:00

A song/poem thing I wrote today at school while I should have been paying attention.

"
Silver tides
a brilliant grey
weep for mercy,
we die today

a nostalgia
our poets taught us to make memories last
a graceful meeting in the present, from the past

this quintessential argument is not made by words
it's a smile
it's the laughter
it's the raindrops dripping, falling down
it's the wind blowing through your hair

the caress of a God who cares
who stares
through unwavering nebulas and stars
so distant, so far

but His caress lets you know He's there
everpresent, everywhere

Dreaming you dream of dreams
only he can satisfy
your choices forsake his touch, his grace
when it comes will you run, will you embrace?

Beautifully, infinitely
His love raining down on you, His creation
thankful for nothing but individuality
still His love beautifully, infinitely drips down

Silver tides
a brilliant grey
the act is over
we die today

a life
so fragile, so fast
the flesh fades but the spirit lasts

this quintessential argument is not made by words
it's a smile
it's the laughter
it's the raindrops dripping, falling down
its the wind blowing through your hair

a God who flares
whose wrath and justice flow
the tranquility over the chaos reign
the fading of the firestorm

the core of white fire inspires
God fearing man
his mind and soul a desert
he wanders the lonely sand

Come with me lover, brother, friend
Dreaming we will dream of dreams
he will satisfy
in fellowship we will carry each other there
beyond the caress, beyond the stare

Through our love for one another
we sprint the marathon
to spread His glory and His grace
in ancient tongue he spoke
we in sleep our dreams have sung

Silver tides
a brilliant grey
ultimate reality
we dance today
"

Just a bunch of thoughts floating around so I grabbed them. I have a tendency to make up things and sing them as I walk down the hallway and the whole silver tides thing has been stuck in my head for like the past week or more. Peace.

"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night." -Edgar Allan Poe

Passion Roses

2006-02-12T19:26:00.000-08:00

Hey, I made a picture in photoshop and threw it up here. I didn't like having boba fett on here, it didn't seem very reflective of the content of the blog, even though it looked pretty cool. Feedback on the new picture would be nice, if there's anything I should change about it or any cool suggestions. Formatting suggestions for the blog around the picture and whatever would be cool too. peace out.

p.s.- Jack Johnson is awesome. and so are naps. and good food and friendly people. =)

Very Beautiful

2006-02-10T13:10:00.000-08:00

Your addicted aren't you? Stop spying on my thoughts, I don't make these things for your convenience, its an outlet for reflection! Haha, anyways, it's really hard to start posts on this thing, I always have things to say on here but starting this creatively is difficult, I might just start posting it in a rigid format. But....that's more than slightly boring. This past week I wrote the last research paper of my highschool career and finished a Biology II project that I procrastinated on (I procrastinated on the paper as well). We had off from school today which was a relief I was dying for, I am overjoyed that I have this day to spend and not take away from the annoying time schedule that the weekend normally is. Last night we had jitterbug lessons up at the church gym and that was pretty awesome. I enjoyed learning actual dance steps for the first time in my life. It seemed like everyone else enjoyed their time as well and the dance on Saturday should be a fun time. This morning I regret not waking up in time to go with Josh to his philosophy class at A&M but we spent time together at Java Joy where we met for our now weekly study of The Lord of the Rings, Tolkien, the Christian themes in The Lord of the Rings, and pretty much life itself. Lo and behold who else was at Java Joy? None other than the nationally famous fightin Texas GBC Senior Guys! Haha, yeah cool stuff. Anyways, the heart of the post lies here in the discussion we had today. I love meeting with these guys, I've known most of them for some time now and getting to know Mike and spending time with him has been fantastic. Today our discussion lasted about 2 and a half hours so we got a lot of interesting conversation in. I'll try to remember what all we talked about, remind me to bring a pen and paper next time we meet. We discussed: allegory and applicability, myth and its application to life, the spiritual realm and its importance (this will probably come up in every meeting hehe), the brain's effect on the spirit and the spirit's effect on the brain, free will and election(which I believe was the topic of the senior guy's study there), the requirements for good learning, television, prayer, subtlety in the The Lord of the Rings, and lots of other stuff that tied in with The Lord of the Rings that I can't recall which is why I need to bring a pen and a notebook.
The main points I wanted to hit on are: the application of myth, the spiritual realm, the requirements for good learning, and the handling of knowledge.

1. The application of myth
What we basically talked about here was how much myth can be applied to our lives. There is a common accusation that people who read a lot of fantasy books such as The Lord of the Rings are escaping reality, similarly to how people escape their troubles through alcohol. This however, is very false. The Lord of the Rings resounds with epic truths that are the guiding path of life itself and what Tolkien calls "the true myth, the myth that enters history", Christianity. Tolkien's good friend C.S. Lewis describes it well, I'll have to find that sometime. I believe it was something along the lines that myth does not lead us away from reality but restores for us the truth that is often covered by the vale of familiarity. Essentially, the study of The Lord of the Rings for us is a way to invigorate a Christian walk by bringing out how much it really is applicable to our lives as is seen in The Lord of the Rings through moral choices, a spiritual battle of good and evil, free will and the importance of the decisions each character makes.(One of the observations made concerning this particularly was that the elves especially have to deal with decisions forever because they are immortal, the only way for an elf to die is in battle or by grief. Elrond for example suffers, even though he did no wrong, from the decision of Isildur to not destroy the ring three thousand years before the setting of The Lord of the Rings.) Mike stated last week that every Christian should read The Lord of the Rings and I echo that with a passion. If you haven't read Tolkien's work, please stop being stubborn, it isn't a nerd thing, its an important way to cultivate yourself as a human being, its an epic thing.

2. The spiritual realm
This is a short point that we touched on this week and discussed in more detail last week. This is the fact that the grand scheme of things is on a spiritual level. As a Christian and a part of the church that fact is easily taken for granted. The IMPORTANT things happen on a SPIRITUAL level. It is IMPORTANT to remember that. This comes up in our study of The Lord of the Rings because Tolkien much more so than many other writers appreciates this fact. If you know the history of The Lord of the Rings you know that characters such as Gandalf, Saruman, Balrogs, Sauron, and others are essentially angels.

3. Requirements for good learning
Something I think I have always known in the back of my mind but never really embraced is that learning is enjoyable. However, this doesn't mean that school is enjoyable which is what often confused me. Mike made an interesting point today that the requirements for good learning are: a safe, challenging, and loving environment to learn in; experience, and reflection afterwards. The example for this was Jesus' teaching of the apostles. The apostles learned an extreme amount in an environment that was safe, loving, but also very challenging when they experienced it. Jesus sent the disciples out to cast out demons, if that isn't experience and challenging I'm not sure what is. The apostles also reflected on their learning with Jesus afterwards," why would the demon not come out?" and etc.

4. Handling of knowledge
Probably the most important thing I walked away with today was how best to handle knowledge. I constantly find myself in awe of older wiser men, they make me look very foolish very often. The most awe inspiring thing about real wisdom is the acknowledgment that real wisdom is not in knowledge but like Mike said in ," handling knowledge very gently, and not clutching and grasping it". It's not all about knowing, its about loving. Its about holding what you know gently in front of you in open cupped hands before other men understanding that what you "know" may or may not be right. At the same time however, it is important to draw a line between yourself and your outstretched open hands, because after this line there is only truth. It is important to accept that you may be wrong in many areas, but it is equally important to accept your belief as truth, if you don't I would say you either don't believe or are struggling with doubt. I was confronted with a fact that I had already observed but still made me realize that I was not holding my knowledge gently but grasping at it when Mike made the point that the belief that God is outside of time(a point I brought up in a previous post here) doesn't really have much, if any, Biblical support. Its a good thing to realize one's own mistakes because that is where we grow. Growth doesn't occur under arrogance and knowledge, it occurs under humility and wisdom.

Peace out dudes,

Love, Clown.

"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost."- J.R.R Tolkien

God, Time, Fear.....Yoda?

2006-02-01T21:47:00.000-08:00

Heya peeps. I found some free time to post because tonight's episode of Lost was a re-run so I got home about 30 minutes early. The first part of this post is about an idea I had on Sunday about prayer and God.

1. God & Time.
Basically Bryan Fisher the pastor at Grace was giving a sermon which I didn't catch all of, which usually might be because I was zoning out or was tired but this time around I was actually contemplating a lot of things that had to do with God and life etc. I guess I was praying for some of it and some of it I was contemplating. Anyway, Bryan said something that turned a light bulb on in my head. The point I'm going to make some of you may have already realized and I may have talked to some of you about it before. Bryan told a story about this little girl who prayed for a water bottle and a doll, the water bottle was for a pre-mature baby in the orphanage and the doll was to comfort her. Without the bottle for some medical reason the baby was going to die. That day a package showed up that was packaged 5 months earlier with clothes in it for the orphans, it also had 1 water bottle and 1 doll. Immediately a stream of thoughts rushed through my head towards the light bulb and in milliseconds light was bursting forth in the form of a smile on my face. To me the conclusion of these thoughts was revolutionary for me. I'll break it down. God is outside of time. Therefore right now as your reading this, this is right now to God. Simple enough. It also means that Christmas day is right now for God. God is here with you reading this right now and he is with you on Christmas last December. This means that the little girl who prayed to God influenced the actions of the people who sent the package....5 months before she prayed. Pretty crazy right? Time is an illusion that we are bound by, unfortunately we ARE bound by it, so you can't just act like nothing matters because as mortal beings we are allotted a period of existence which is measured in time. I'm not sure what this means to you but to me it is reassuring to think that outside of myself and the universe there is the present and only the present. There is not future or past, whether this is true for all spiritual beings or only for God I'm not really sure but it is still makes me feel better, I guess it makes me feel more secure in God's control, o ye of little faith. That sums up the first part of the post which leads to the two second things I wanted to comment on which are much shorter.Here they are

2. Fear
The second thing I wanted to comment on was this: In the hadden's house tonight I saw a poster that was for the movie "The Sum of All Fears", I remember seeing the movie and from what I remember it is about a nuclear threat to the United States. I just wanted to point out the obvious and take a moment to consider the fact that the sum of all fears is much larger than nuclear threats or indeed anything that man can conjure up. For one there is all the little things I am afraid of in my life. Day to day I fear things like specific involvements with people and things like that. I don't really fear nukes at all. If a nuke hit us I would die and go to heaven and honestly it would probably be quick and painless, getting radiated and have mutated kids, now that would suck for the kids and is worth being afraid of but still nothing spectacular in the realm of fear. Because even though the little things in life can be as frightening as a nuclear warhead there are threats to our survival that would make it quite unbearable or at least very uncomfortable. These things do tend to provoke an immense amount of fear. But unzoom a bit and consider for a moment everything that is wrong with the state the world is in right now, I mean this in several ways not only the state of poverty and war but the state of man. Sin, as it always has been, is rampant. Consider the word pain, the word can be used to describe many things, think of them all. Combine them all and yes it is quite frightening to imagine that you might be placed under the stresses of all forms and fashions of pain which include physical pain but are most definitely not limited to it. Now zoom out a bit and consider demons and hell and the very essence of evil. Nuclear warheads make you giggle. Now, I'm not trying to point out something that everyone doesn't understand already, everyone knows there is a lot to be afraid of. But, contemplation is healthy, so at the next period just stop and think about the state the world is in and add to it what I said: demons, hell, the essence of evil and fear itself. Now you hopefully have a very vivid image of fear. The best part is this, imagine how little of all the things to be afraid of in the universe you actually have to deal with. It's all peachy eh?

3. Yoda
This last comment is more of a joke that I felt like throwing in and probably won't be funny to anyone. Me and Matt Young picked up on a conversation we had on ski trip last year and started comparing characters from movies and stuff in battles. Like so.

Darth Vader vs Terminator who wins?

And so it proceeded like that for a long time, Yoda was definitely our favorite choice for winning.
There was one rather debated match that was:

Yoda vs Superman

Me and Matt both said it was obviously Yoda while Katherine and her brother both said Superman, we were terribly shocked and quite upset.

There were no more good ones after:

Stevie Wonder vs Ray Charles

I still don't know who would win but it would definitely be worth watching on ESPN Classic decades from now.

The night ended with Hellen Keller jokes, you know the kind of jokes that just shouldn't be laughed at? Yes we spent a while laughing at those. And yes, Helen Keller beat Yoda.

Good night dudes and dudettes, pots of gold.

Happens to the best of us.

2006-01-28T22:14:00.000-08:00

Hey there. Things are well I hope. Anyway, if you tried watching the video from the last post and could only hear it but not see it...you might need Divx which is a video driver you can download off of the internet. Since the last post I made I worked out some confusing things that were bothering me and now all I have to do is put plans into action! (Yes there is a girl involved and no it doesn't happen to be any of your business.) Haha, now then, sorry about that no need of me to be harsh but I don't intend to elaborate other than that the opposite sex is delightfully troublesome at its best. With that sort of thing consuming my thoughts I don't know how I managed to keep up my habit of reading but somehow I did, actually more so than usual. I think that I read sometimes just to get my mind off of things, which seems counter-productive because the books I have been reading have been pretty thought provoking. Now that I think about it, it is probably better that they are thought provoking, then I start thinking about all sorts of things in this enormous universe and forget my previous thoughts. At least until I put my book down haha. Anyways, this past week I read "Pilgrim's Regress" and "The Screwtape Letters" along with its addition "Screwtape Proposes a Toast", which is really just an added chapter to "The Screwtape Letters". They were both very good books,as always Lewis continues to produce valuable thoughts, ponderings, and entertainment, even long after his death. "It is no insult to say a dead man is dead". I can't remember what movie that is from...but yeah, you get the drift. And, if you don't, well just keep reading I guess. Not everyone is blessed with a sense of humor. While I am reading I usually look for certain passages of interest or significant importance, one specifically in Pilgrim's Regress took a very interesting view on hell which I will reveal here in a moment. The reason I didn't pick one from The Screwtape Letters in no way means it doesn't have any significant statements or interesting thoughts, it only means I read through it very quickly and already had in my mind that I wanted to talk about Pilgrim's Regress before I even started reading the next book. I don't feel like picking at the bone but I will present to you the meat of the matter. "Pilgrim's Regress" is an allegory showing the life of someone who through many trials was led to Christianity and has to confront the world as it really is on a return journey(he has traveled along way by this point). On his return journey he has a conversation with his guide concerning the people who have chosen not to follow the "Landlord" who is God. He also discusses the "Black Hole" which is Hell.
Here it is: ahgoahioghiBFODHAUHO!!Q@ohiaofi.................I can't find my book. This is rediculous hold on. Its late, early in the morning actually, and I'm sleepy. Un momento. A few more momentos later...and someone is talking to me on AIM, they should be asleep! Kids these days..they need to get up to worship God in the morning and here they are chit-chatting on the internet! Unfortunatley I ended up waking my brother up to find it in his room, but here it is!
Sorry about the whole five second delay it cost you, much more sorry about the forty minutes it cost me, but o well. Prepare yourself, your not going to be reading Chris Allison anymore, your going to be reading C.S. Lewis, and yes sometimes www.dictionary.com is a good friend when reading Lewis. I'm not really sure if thats a real site but yeah, Lewis doesn't like putting things straight, especially in these allegories of his. Also take note that the Mountain-apple he refers to is talked about earlier in the book and basically represents the forbidden fruit in Eden, as well as sin. Take a deep breath, this is gonna be long.

"Then there is, after all," said John, "a black hole such as my old Steward described to me."
"I do not know what your Steward described. But there is a black hole."
"And still the Landlord is 'so kind and good'!"
"I see you have been among the Enemy's people. In these latter days there is no charge against the Landlord which the Enemy brings so often as cruelty. That is just like the Enemy: for he is, at bottom, very dull. He has never hit on the one slander against the Landlord which would be really plausible. Anyone can refute the charge of cruelty. If he really wants to damage the Landlord's character, he has a much stronger line than that to take. He ought to say that the Landlord is an inveterate gambler. That would not be true, but it would be plausible, for there is no denying that the Landlord does take risks."
"But what about the charge of cruelty?"
"I was just coming to that. The Landlord has taken the risk of working the country with free tenants instead of slaves in chain gangs: and as they are free there is no way of making it impossible for them to go into forbidden places and eat forbidden fruits. Up to a certain point he can doctor them even when they have done so, and break them of the habit, But beyond that point--you can see for yourself. A man can go on eating mountain apple so long that nothing will cure his craving for it: and the very worms it breeds inside him will make him more certain to eat more. You must not try to fix the point after which a return is impossible, but you can see that there will be such a point somewhere."
"But surely the Landlord can do anything?"
"He cannot do what is contradictory: or, in other words, a meaningless sentence will not gain meaning simply because someone chooses to prefix to it the words 'the Landlord can'. And it is meaningless to talk of forcing a man to do freely what a man has freely made impossible for himself."
"I see. But at least these poor creatures are unhappy enough: there is no need to add a black hole."
"The Landlord does not make the blackness. The blackness is there already wherever the taste of mountain apple has created the vermiculate will. What do you mean by a hole? Something that ends. A black hole is blackness enclosed, limited. And in that sense the Landlord has made the black hole. He has put into the world a Worst Thing. But evil of itself would never reach a worst: for evil is fissiparous and could never in a thousand eternities find any way to arrest its own reproduction. If it could, it would be no longer evil: for Form and Limit belong to the good. The walls of the black hole are the tourniquet on the wound through which the lost soul else would bleed to a death she never reached. It is the Landlord's last service to those who will let him do nothing better for them."

This passage is very interesting in its discussion of free will and of hell. This view of hell that Lewis represents is quite out of the ordinary, the thing is that people don't usually come to the question of why God created a hell and actually come up with an answer. They either deny God because of his cruelty or accept God because they believe in Him or have other theological reasons. Lewis actually presents an answer which is fairly sound. I don't have the stamina to keep thinking about it right now but I hope it intrigues you. Good night ladies and gentlemen, until we meet again, I bid you farewell.

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer." - Rainer Maria Rilke

Fatality, Lil-Poison, CPL & MLG Aired on 60 Minutes

2006-01-23T15:08:00.000-08:00

An interesting bit about the upcoming phenomenon that is professional gaming. Inform yourself here. Thanks to Wilfried again for providing my webspace needs and to CPL and 60 Minutes for allowing this to be downloaded.

"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education" - Albert Einstein

Fish Bowl

2006-01-22T18:46:00.000-08:00

So long time no see eh? No? You didn't want to see me post for a few more months? Too bad. I'll just sum up the past few days and such. I was thinking about posting an addition to my post on personality but decided that it would require too much thought and energy that I don't feel like expending. Sorry. This past weekend I went to student conference in Houston with the youth group and it was really fun. The conference it self was intriguing and somewhat entertaining while the various members of the youth group continued to prove their value as unmatchable entertainment. After the first session of the conference on Friday I ate dinner at a Cajun restaurant with a bunch of the senior guys, Ray, Clayton and Jaron. We had a blast and I had raw oysters for the first time which were pretty good and definitely not near as bad as I thought they would be, considering the horrible things people say about them. Saturday was filled with lots of jumping to music and it wore me down pretty good. My calves(gastrocnemius for you anatomy nerds) are also slightly sore. The next day (today) I went to church and ate lunch with my brother and mom and since then have just been studying and playing video games and such. Around 5ish I watched "Phantom of the Opera" which was a good movie in several different ways, it also helped to fill up some wasted time. So that has been my weekend, pretty sweet all in all, I just started reading "Pilgrim's Regress" by C.S. Lewis and it is affirming my thought that I will most likely enjoy any and every C.S. Lewis book I will ever read. That being said before I read "Beyond the Shadowlands", which is a commentary on Heaven and Hell in Lewis' writing, I intend to read all the C.S. Lewis books there are, or at least all the ones I can get my hands on. So if you happen to have one of the following books and don't mind me borrowing them that would be splendid: "Screwtape Letters", "The Four Loves", any of the Narnia books, and any other of his works. Call me or AIM me or something and let me know. That wraps everything up, I am in a pretty swell mood, pretty confused about several decisions I have to make in the upcoming future and am practically dying for a cappucino, but pretty swell. Peace out dudes and dudettes, enjoy life.

"Hush my love now don't you cry
Everything will be all right
Close your eyes and drift in dream
Rest in peaceful sleep"
-Lullaby by Creed