In today's post I will address a touchy subject which I have yet to approach in my writings on this blog. This has been primarily because organizing thought about this subject into writing is no easy task and also because I have not felt comfortable trusting you my reader, whoever you may be, with the details of my feelings concerning the opposite sex a.k.a my love life or lack of.
The other night after NOTO I was hanging out at IHOP along with others who had decided to head over there after the fun.(NOTO was great and will probably show up in a later post.) Anyways, Katie Colson who was with us made a comment something along the lines of, " I hate it when I'm hanging out with a bunch of guys and the guys are all like 'I hate girls' ". Somewhere in the conversation I pointed out that it is more like extreme frusturation rather than hate. Several days later I find myself pondering what I had said and how it mingles in with what I have come to think about over the day. The fact is that the extreme frusturation is directed at myself and not really at girls at all. There are several problems that I find myself having to face when confronted with the opposite sex which build the frusturation of which I spoke. The first and foremost of problems is not really the heart of the problem but instead leads to the problem which I will address. This may sound humorous, odd, or even creepy to some of you but this problem is the abundance of options. Ideally what do I look for in a relationship? Well there are many things but is there only one person who fits the standards I have set? There is not. Indeed there are many. Does this mean I have have low standards? I would like to think not, and have indeed been told that I am a picky person in regards to this issue. This leads to the question, who do I decide to have this meaningful sought relationship with? This probably sounds horrible, picking a person sounds rather demeaning, but bare(sp?) with me. What does a man do when confronted with the fact that there are multiple beautiful, intelligent(as well as deep), and fun females with whom he is attracted to? Where is the line between attraction and as I heard today from someone "a crush"? Where is the line between general affection and attraction and how does one seperate in one's mind physical attraction from attraction based on affection. This is easy to do while I sit and type, obviously physical attraction would be something along the lines of fooling myself into thinking I like a girl but really I just think she is hot, where as attraction based on affection would not have its roots in the girl's body. However, when in conversation with a member of the opposite sex it is quite difficult to distinguish quite why one is attracted to the girl whom one is speaking to. Back to the original question. What does one do when confronted with this fact? That there are multiple people with whom he(I in this case) could see himself in a relationship with. The answer I think lies in getting to know one of these individuals, as I grow to know someone I will grow to like them more(this is the ideal situation, quite possibly I could grow to dislike them more which would lead to breakups and highschool drama) the problem then is how to get from point A-boy knows(and is attracted to) girl, girl knows boy ....to point B- boy is attracted and seeking to learn more about girl who has realized that boy is attracted. The reason this is a problem is because getting from point A to point B involves more than just saying " I really like you and think we should go out", given who I have made myself to be it probably wouldn't work out well if I just told a girl I know that I liked her. There has to be a time leading to this because there is something that just isn't right about just unloading your feelings on a girl and hoping for the best. This may work for some guys(I find it hard to believe);however, this is not the movies or a fairy tale in which I can confess my feelings for someone of the opposite sex and expect them to be all mushy and say "I really like you too!". Like I said, there has to be a time leading to this, they used to call this courting a girl but now I guess people call it "just talking " or something similar to that. So there it is in one gigantic nutshell. I don't know how to "court" a girl. I don't know how to(Insert spew of profanities in all capital letters) get from the stage where we know each other and there is nothing there except what is going on in my head(point A) to the stage where we are interested in engaging in a relationship with each other(point B). Blast.
That wraps up one of the problems I face when confronting the opposite sex. The other probelm involves what happens when I decide that I want to get from point A to point B as I explained previously. This is fear, I haven't taken the time to determine whether it is a rational or irrational fear but it is there. It is always there but given the opportunity to shorten the distance to point B fear washes over me like a subtle scent. Do I call out her name? Does she perceive that I am sprinting towards point B? Does she know there is a point B? Does she not want there to be a point B? It can all be summed up by the statement that: The circumstances belittle the power of my emotions and my emotions deny the opportunities that the circumstances present to me. Basically, I often find myself in postions where I can not express my emotions because of the circumstances, thus the power of my emotions seems belittled by the circumstances. On the other hand, I often find myself in a position where I could quite easily express my feelings in some small way such as a conversation, a smile or a wave. It is in these situations that my emotion of fear pulls me away from making headway towards point B. Thus it belittles the opportunities the circumstances present to me. I don't wave, I don't say hello, and said girl continues never suspecting that I am attracted. When it comes down to it thinking about this turns my whole thought process wretched.
Furthermore, the whole process of getting from point A to point B is complicated dramatically by billions of things which deserve their own topics and would take ages for me to get down on paper. Hopefully I covered the bulk of it, at least for myself, as far as other guys are concerned I'm not willing to break down different personalities and stuff. Peace.

"Love is a smoke made with the fumes of sighs. Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes. Being vexed, a sea nourished with lovers' tears. What is it else? A madness most discreet, a choking gall and a preserving sweet. "
~William Shakespeare


"The source of much pain is in the folly of the mind, it often meddles in the business of the heart."