Ah, school draws near to an end. I still don't know if I will graduate but one can only hope. There are only a few weeks left and I can't wait to be out. Things on my mind recently have been: Prom, Graduating/moving out next year, reading/writing. Prom is not this coming weekend but the weekend after. I should be getting a job soon so having some cash will be nice and I'll hopefully be able to afford rent next year. I got home today and checked my e-mail at writing.com and was very excited to find that I was given an anonymous gift of an upgraded membership which would have cost me about 5 dollars a month otherwise. The upgraded membership has some perks and I thought it was pretty cool of someone to actually pay for it for me. Anyways, I would like to let my faithful few readers know that this is the end for this blog. It was a good experience and provided a useful outlet at many times throughout the school year but now I find I grow weary of it. "The Passion in the Ashes" is a feeling that I was dying to get rid of. I do not now feel comfortable expressing it and in fact have need to do so less and less. It is not a good feeling and I am glad it is subsiding. This summer should be a good one, I look forward to reading and writing ALOT and enjoying a summer of fellowship. If anyone ever wants to do anything don't hesitate to call me. Until we meet again.

"I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact I mean not to." -Bilbo Baggins

Taking a moment to encourage anyone who stops by to check out Mike's website. The post today was interesting both because I have participated in the conversation with him about it before and because it is simply a good topic. Enjoy here.

So, much to the resentment of many a junior and many a senior I did not have to take TAKS tests this week. And yes, my sleep schedule is now ruined. But really with only a few weeks left in school I'm not thinking its gonna make much of a difference. Yesterday I went to java joy to meet for our Lord of the Rings/Bible study thing after school as is the Friday custom. We ended up talking till about 8:20 Friday night. Afterwards I was treated to pasta and a movie by none other than Lacey and Lacey accompanied by Jordan. The weekend is going smoothly, Jordan's birthday party was fun and I'm a little exhausted from sprinting around in the other team's base during capture the flag. I was supposed to take a final up at school this morning for a correspondence course but....they didn't have my test. I'm not sure what I should think of that, it isn't really a big deal unless they screw me out of graduating or something so I just went back home and to sleep. Speaking of which, sleep sounds dandy. Good night fair women and men, I bid you adieu.

"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."- J.R.R. Tolkien

Weekend Update! This weekend was tight, on the downside(and the upside outways the downside I think) I got a letter from A&M saying I'm on the waitlist. On the upside I'm going to prom with Lacey Wells! Plus, it was a three day weekend....so yeah, I'm feelin good. This week is TAKS testing so I get to sleep in a bunch and Wednesday is senior wellness day. Pretty much it's a blow off week. Score. Final note, if you didn't know "Freedom Incorporated" is now where I will post things I write(essays, stories, etc.). There is a link on this page. Peace, I'm out like a deaf kid in musical chairs.

"Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed." - Storm Jameson

A favor for a friend:

-Lacey: Look in your mom's bedroom.-

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

- William Shakespeare

Today was really stressful...I mean for most people it probably wouldn't seem like it but for me it seemed stressful. I woke up really early to go to Bible study at Java Joy and made a terrible attempt to make a point about some stuff we had already covered and felt like I contributed nothing but confusion and useless banter to what Josh wanted to talk about. I proceeded to go to school and try and cram in a take home test and a biology II lab that was due seventh period. I got the lab from Brian which made it easier but I still barely had time to finish it because I had a test 5th and 6th and I see Brian in 4th period. So yeah, between school and being exhausted today was pretty wearing and I was in a worse mood than usual. On a more spiritual note I've been thinking a good bit about these lyrics from a song: "I have found the answer is to love you and be loved by you alone." What a reassuring thought it is to believe I have found the answer. That statement is monumental. It is isn't like a "Eurika!"(spelling?) but is instead more like a sigh of relief. "Are you for real? Wow...it's about time."

"What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do."-Bob Dylan

So....things have been pretty good. Actually, things have been pretty awesome. I got a 2000 camry for my birthday which is sweet, both the car and it being my birthday on Saturday. Earlier this week I ate sushi with Anthony and Justin which was....interesting. The sushi made war on my stomach all night so I was tired at school the next day. Speaking of Anthony...he was supposed to give me a ride to a Halo LAN in Houston last night....and I couldn't get ahold of him. So..yeah that was a bummer but I still can't get ahold of him so I don't know if something is wrong or what. On Friday night I went camping with Jordan, Josh, Daniel, Richard, and Matt. We chilled by the campfire and played/listened to the guitar and talked about the past, the present and what the future holds for us. We also pranked a bit. Fun stuff. Anyways, that was my weekend, I'm about to go play halo at zack's, hope everyone had fun at spring retreat. Peace out. O, and according to Johan I should take up songwriting as a career. The days are getting better.

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see. "- John Burroughs

Got a new picture put up. Also, please read "Path to The Sun". It's something I wrote yesterday and put on my writers portfolio HERE

For the sake of exposing this quote that won't fit in my Instant Messenger Info. I like this quote alot.

"There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations--these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of the kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously--no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinners--no mere tolerance, or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment. Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbour, he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ vere latitat, the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden." - C.S. Lewis

What has been on my mind lately? Obviously, from my last post, a lot of chaos and distress is what. But, more precisely there has been something that has been brushing the center of my thought but has never quite made it to the control center where I could break it down. Hurray for posting on Sundays because I finally realized what it is that has been recurring in my thought process for the past week, two weeks...I'm not really sure how long. What it is that has been coming up in my thought process has been a result in large part not of some outside force, only indirectly, but instead a result of other thoughts. What it is that has been recurring in the borders of my thought has been how important it is to take time to think things through, to meditate and reflect on things. More importantly, to meditate and reflect on God. Throughout recent history (and I use this cliche term to describe the past few weeks for myself rather than the time allotted to global history which is apparently recent, although compared to what I'm not sure) I have gone back and forth in vicious cycles of thinking thoughts in accordance with my previous post and with thoughts that beg for me to sort out such thoughts. In other words, I think things I don't like thinking and I know I don't like thinking them but I "don't want to think about it right now". Well, it's about time I settled that garbage. I'm gonna be doing some reading (scripturely and otherwise) on the topic of reflection and meditation as well as some meditation and reflection of my own. I actually intended to fast this week but settled for today instead when I saw some leftover food from Chili's that I plan on having for lunch tomorrow.

"Most true happiness comes from one's inner life, from the disposition of the mind and soul. Admittedly, a good inner life is difficult to achieve, especially in these trying times. It takes reflection and contemplation and self-discipline." - William L Shirer

The disposition of the soul, needless to say, relies heavily on its peace. Peace is one of the fruits of the Spirit. I've made my point.

I'm very tired right now. Inside my head at least. Sleep doesn't seem to help the problem. Someone recommend I write down what's been on my mind, it was not my intention to blog this but here is what's been on my mind.

Where do I begin? I don't now how things are going to work out. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter what happens, getting an education isn't everything in life. I keep telling myself that if I go off to college somewhere else and my friends are scattered to the four winds that it's ok. I keep screaming to myself that if I don't make it through college, if I don't make it anywhere, and end up a bum on the street that it's ok. God will weave my life how He sees fit, but I can't help but feel that pleasing God isn't what I want if it doesn't mean pleasing men. I'm trying very hard to allow God to have His will with me and keep some remnant of my own assertion in my life. It is very comforting to know that there are people that care about me, that will be there for me. But what if they aren't there when I need them, what if my own actions prevent anyone from being there at all? What if I drown myself in a pool of failures so deep that I not only lose the things which I deem as "secular goals" such as education and wealth but I also lose my friends? The thought is painful, I can only pray. It is hard to pray with confidence as the scripture tells me to; I will pray to the Lord for confidence in Him. Well, that is all in the future. The here and the now, I can't stop thinking about my relationships with people. No matter what kind of relationships, whether I be pursuing something with a girl for more than friendship or if I am just pursuing friendship, I find that I have put my relationships on an ever ascending summit that I strive to climb to. This is where God should be in my life, a place I know I can not wholly reach in this life yet passionately endeavor to reach. But this is not where God is in my life. I can only pray for strength to turn from my weakness and glorify God in His strength. I feel like weeping. I want it all to be over. "Endeavor to persevere." Easier said than done.

/vent

"We thought about it for a long time, 'Endeavor to peresevere.' And when we had thought about it long enough, we declared war on the Union. I didn't surrender, but they took my horse and made him surrender. They have him pulling a wagon up in Kansas I bet."
- Lone Watie the Indian from the movie Outlaw Josey Wales